So this past weekend was a bit of a slump on multiple fronts. As a result, I woke up in a mood this morning, and haven’t really been able to shake it. I wanted to write a post contributing to one of my serials, but I’m just not feeling up to it today. I did still take a look at Our Write Side’s Master Class prompts and lo and behold, a prompt caught my eye. I decided to write a piece to the prompt “Hollow dreams” because it matches up so well with the “Scattered dreams” prompt from a while back. So, this is another free write/continuation of that piece. Read it here if you’d like.
It’s a bit blah, and I’m hoping to feel better by tomorrow to really get the ball rolling.
“Hollow dreams” serves as both inspiration and title for the piece.
TW: Themes of anger and depression, since it’s a continuation of “Scattered dreams”
Sitting alone under my mental gazebo, I’m starting to wish I still had those other versions of myself to talk to. Being alone never sits well with me for very long – I need a distraction or my thoughts run away with me.
I know I told myself everything works out – that I’ll be okay. And for the most part, that’s true. There are great days – but there are also awful ones. Even if the good outnumbers the bad, the bad always makes it feel like the good was an eternity ago, and that it might not come back. Looking back on it – seeing myself at my absolute worst – I don’t have a choice but to tell myself that I get better (even if some things don’t). I am better now than I was before, but I’m still angry – that fury always floating just under the surface. Don’t know if that anger will ever go away or if I really want it to. If it goes away, I might forget, and as much as I hate remembering, forgetting isn’t an option.
Sometimes I want to let the anger run its course – let go and just see where it takes me. But I know better. I know what I’m like when I get mad and I know that I’ll only make everything worse. If I’ll ever have a chance at really being better, if I hope for everything to one day work itself out, I can’t allow myself to make it worse. They say things always get worse before they get better but I’m not sure I buy that entirely. Especially not if I’m the one making it worse.
The gazebo dissipates and the early morning light fades away until I’m back in that field again. This time, there’s no Kathi to keep me company – not even any stars – just the empty, midnight blue sky to match the empty feeling in my chest. I don’t realize I’m crying until the tears start to dry on my cheeks. My head hurts, the pain spreading from my temple to the base of my neck. It feels like I haven’t slept in weeks, though I know I’m sleeping right now.
Lying back on the grass feels nice as I close my eyes against the abyss-like sky and do my best to contain my anger, to let it dissipate before I act on it. It’s not like I can do anything anyway. When I open my eyes again, I’m awake and in the silence of my bedroom. My phone says it’s almost five in the morning. I turn on my side, trying to will myself to sleep for a few more hours.
I probably won’t try lucid dreaming again any time soon.
Very rarely do I get personal on here, so rest assured that we’ll be back to regularly scheduled programming tomorrow.
As always, think happy thoughts!